Monday, 26 September 2011

On The (Essex) Road.



 Having not travelled to London or beyond recently, I’ve forgotten what crap the average driver has to go through when taking a day out on the road. If it ain’t the old granny taking her time in the old banger in front, it’s the cocky boy racer who wants to over take you, and will do so, regardless how close to you they are; or there’s the 'I-Am-The-Big-I-Am' vans changing from the left lane to the right lane without warning; they might as well have a banner hanging out their window saying, ‘Don’t think about over taking me you little cunt, I’ll squash you like a bug’.

I’m sitting here, in what I consider to be quite a decent size van, but that doesn’t stop cars of all shapes and sizes pissing about on the road. Does everyone have to be so greedy, there’s only one road, what makes you think you own it?

Then there’s the 'god help us all' road works that go on for miles and miles.  “These have been going on since last year’ Becky told me. How delightful, you take a day out to get away from the shit that you look at in your own hometown, and then you have to spend 150 miles looking at more shit.. and again once you return home.

On the positive side, there is a rather inviting Burger King sign popping up every few miles, which if it didn’t sell such shit bean burgers might be worth stopping for…. I won't go down that road though, I've had enough of roads for one day!

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Granny Green Grass



The grass is always greener on the other side....so I once heard, when I was on this side. I hear most things from this side; I see most things from this side, because more often than not, I am on the side which is this one, and I'll tell ya, it don't just look grass green on the other side, oh no, from where I'm standing, it looks like a psychedelic mix of Emerald, Electric, Neon and Spring Green, which if it had a name, would probably be something along the lines of ‘The absolute tits green’! That's what happens I guess when you've been on this side for too long, you get used to your own shade, and you suddenly see  yourself surrounded in the sort of green that your Nan would choose when kindly knitting you a jumper. Or a shade that stares up at you from your very healthy but boring dinner plate; peas, runner beans, that sort of green! Incredibly bland!

Maybe it ain't greener over there though, maybe my eyes are just tired resulting in everything around me looking lifeless and dreary. Maybe I should just get some sleep, and when I wake up, hopefully everything will look like the kind of green one would be wearing at a rave night! Mental and really fun!

Let’s hope so!