Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Welcome to Apps Anonymous.

Apps are healthy, they make me smile;
If Apps weren't around, life wouldn't be worthwhile
If you don't have an App, you really ain't lived
My apps are my love, and much love they can give!

Hi. My name's Fiona, and I’m an App-oholic!

My addiction came apparent to me not long after I'd purchased The Tooth Brushing App and spent around an hour cleaning the food off a virtual set of teeth. I knew they weren’t my teeth, but some how I couldn't stop myself falling into the trap of believing they really were dirty. I spent so long rubbing the imaginary food off the screen, it made me late for work. I didn't quite know how to explain this to my boss, so I lied and told him that I had problems with my own teeth; he didn't need to know whose teeth they really were and what in fact the problem was!

I know I'm not alone with this obsession; after all, who would they be making this rubbish for but us App-oholics. And I also know that I can work through my problem and will one day go through life without feeling the need to browse the 'Top 25 Apps' every half hour on my phone. It even got so bad once that I briefly toyed with the idea of changing my name from Fiona to Apple. I've since learnt that there is actually a Fiona Apple out there. Lucky cow, she probably doesn't even know the genius behind her surname. Apple....Apple Mac...Appsigale! That could work... Appsigale Jacobs?- This is how bad it's become. It took a long stern talking from my Vodaphone rep to help me realise that Appsiglae is a shit name, and I’d be better off leaving it as it is.

My mobile phone rep is my best friend. I speak to him every week. Nigel his name is. We have the best conversations, all of them Apps related. Sometimes he gets annoyed when he learns it’s me ringing again, I think he's just worried I may have discovered an App that he hasn't heard of yet, which might get him trouble, as he’s meant to be the one that talks about the newest Apps on the market, not me, the customer!

Everyone tells me I've changed so much since having the iPhone..Apparently Apps are all I talk about now. This is why I’ve come here today, to seek help for me to realise that there was life before Apps, and there can be life after. I'm not quite ready to give up downloading Apps yet though, I have however, given myself a limit of downloading just 5 Apps a week. But if I've worked particularly well then I secretly give myself a bonus App!

I'll keep ya posted on my progress! Until then, Appy Days!

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Fighting your way through an invisible crowd.

This is something that really gets on my tits; when a punter walks in off the street and straight away mimics the actions of fighting their way through a crowded room, when clearly the room ain't crowded. Why do it? 
Obviously the barmaid standing behind the bar knows the place is dead. Christ, they've been here all day; they don't need a prick like you high lighting this obvious fact. And anyway, what the hell are you doing with your arms?  They're aimlessly flapping around, making you look like some kid swimmer that hasn't quite mastered the art of the breaststroke. You call that fighting? Jesus!

What's worse is when the idiot says, on top of his lame imitation, 'I'm fighting my way through the crowd, see?'.. What d'ya say to that? I find myself saying nothing, and grinning with a very tight smile. The pub being this dead is one of the main stresses of our working day; why joke about it? Maybe when you've got a pub mate, that's not doing particularly well, you'll see how fucking irritating it is, having someone walk in and making fun of the fact it's dead. It's as bad as someone walking in and saying out loud to the barman 'Blimey, it's busy in here, innit?'...snigger, snigger. What a lame arse thing to say. With loads of pubs being shut down, it's not exactly what a manager/publican wants to hear right now.  And you'd be surprised how many times a week we have this being said to us.

But like always, we'll wear it, grin and bear it, let these morons think and share it. 


Sunday, 7 August 2011

Welcome to the Reading List, it says..

I once had a reading list; waste of time it was. Still haven't managed to complete a whole book since me teens, but I have waded half way through a fair few good ones though.

At the moment I'm having a bash at Eats, Shoots and Leaves. Very funny; leaves you being a stickler for punctuation. I sitll haven't quite got my head around the semicolon, but i'm throwing it in here and there with me eyes shut, and am hoping that they're placed in the appropriate position...

Other books on my reading list  are:

Oliver Twist (Read the first 2 pages)

The Way We Wore ( half way through it)

The Picture Of Dorian Gray (Read the first 3 chapters )

Dear Boy (2 chapters in )

A Kestral For A Knave (Have read it 3 times over and every time only reach the half way point)

Shout (Half a page)

Peter Cook; A Biography (About 4 chapters)

and The History Of Fashion. (Briefly flicked through)

Bad, innit!
Well, i'll make it my aim to have finished one of the above by January. That gives me 4 months, yeah, that's doable!

On a good note, since writing this reading list (which was about a month ago) I've managed to finish reading the semicolon section in Eats, Shoots and Leaves, and I can say with confidence, I kinda know when to use it now..sort of!